Taking it To Heart

Hello family and friends. Here is a little sample of our Forward Step: Newsletter that just came out! Be sure to check out the rest. The link is at the bottom of this entry.

Marta Crosgrove teaches at a Secondary Community Day School (CDS) site in the Los Angeles Unified School District. CDS provides classroom programs for high-risk students who are not succeeding in a traditional school setting.

Currently, I teach in a drug treatment facility for teenagers. I’ve been using the COMPASS curriculum there for two and a half years. In the beginning the kids were resistant, as they are with most new things, but after a while I began to see them coming together more as a group. They seemed to bond a bit more and focus better in class. Their grades went up and they began to care about things outside of themselves.

            If the kids are open to it, the COMPASS lessons can make a huge difference. Some of them really take it to heart. One student in particular excelled with the program. He came to me at age 15 with a long history of gang and drug involvement. He had a new baby across town and devil horns tattooed on his head. Soon after we started COMPASS, I noticed that he began using the words and phrases we learned in the COMPASS classes during other times of the day as well. After discussing communication skills, he shared with me that he used that knowledge to improve his relationship with his mother. He said that before they mostly yelled at each other, but now he had learned to not use attacking words and things were going better. He also used the goal-setting lessons to keep himself on track when he felt like relapsing. He was able to remain clean and eventually graduate from drug court, allowing him to move on to a new school and a new life.

(Continued at Forward Step: Newsletter) 

Meditation

For years I felt defensive about learning to meditate, mostly because I found it too difficult to understand. Saying that out loud made me feel silly because in reality I wasn’t trying something new because I was scared. It wasn’t until I shared about some medical issues with my friend, Bibi Caspari that she introduced me to the easiest approach to meditation that I have ever heard of. Bibi is the Executive Director of Forward Step. She started off telling me to sit in a comfortable position without my arms or legs crossed. She then taught me a breathing technique that is included in Forward Step life skills program. It is so simple! I was to breathe in and out on a count of four for a minimum of four times. Who would have thought that slowly breathing on a four count would help resolve personal dilemmas?

         This simple meditation had literally saved me! I began to have more patience, more breathing space and of course more stress free time.  I quickly began introducing this to my roommates and friends. Whenever I noticed that they felt stressed or tired, I taught them the meditation technique and it worked for them too. So then I started paying attention to the bigger picture. There seemed to be a pattern with my stress and getting sick. I started to see how in reality meditation was basically “me” time. It was taking a moment out of my day to let my mind go and my body relax. So why would I let my body get to the point of being so distraught? My answer was I didn’t need to! Now everyday I take time to meditate and the results are great. It keeps me in balance and happy.

Jassamy Freyre

Time Management

          Many students discover the need to develop or hone their time management skills when they arrive at college. Unlike high school where teachers frequently structured our assignments and classes filled our days, in college we have less in-class time, more outside of class work, and a great deal of freedom and flexibility.

Sadly not all of us are good at structuring our assignments let alone our lives. This is the issue that I was running into. I had a constant battle of figuring out what was important and what simply needed to be done. I needed to learn how to prioritize and see how much time everything would take me to do.

 I've been interning at Forward Step and shared my dilemma with Bibi Caspari, the Executive Director, since time management is one of the life skills taught in Forward Step’s COMPASS program. She coached me to journal about my thoughts and feelings about time. I began journaling in order to see just how I felt about time management and what my definition of it was. I came to see that the biggest issue was the amount of time it took me to do homework and how distracted I would get. The first major change I decided to take was to study in the library instead of my dorm. This change alone made a huge difference. Instead of it taking me 5 hours to finish homework, it took me 3. I started to see some improvement.

I decided to take it a step further by creating a priority list every week. I decided to include important projects, homework assignments, job tasks, and even dinner with friends. This helped me see how my week looked and when I could afford a break because I certainly felt like I had no social life for a while. I still haven’t perfected my time management skills but I believe I’m on the right track and will eventually master it!

Jassamy Freyre

Gratitude for COMPASS

I am a white, short, relatively unimposing female. I have a graduate degree, and I am a doula, a meditation coach, and a sometime university lecturer. I was sitting in the library parking lot tonight, just about dusk after the library closed looking through some papers. A loud CRACK scared the blazes out of me, and I jumped at the rock that had just hit my car window. I had heard them catcalling, and had just ignored them. But with that impact, I grabbed my keys and got out of my car and headed straight for the two teenage boys. We were all alone in the parking lot together. One of them had several facial piercings and I’m guessing he was about 15, the other wore a hat hiding his eyes, and I’m guessing he was 14. I charged them to make it personal, stopping at about 6 feet away from the one facing me.

I stood there, arms at my side, and stated that a rock had just hit my car really hard, and that that was not alright. They gave me the standard troubled teenage response, a disclaimer of any knowledge or responsibility. I focused on the point. It had happened. A rock had been thrown at my car and hit it hard. That was an unacceptable thing. The one facing me continued denying any knowledge or responsibility, and the other, who’d been reclining, got up and moved away from me.

I shifted my response to what I needed; I asked them to promise not to throw any more rocks at my car or I had the need to call the police right then. One questioned me, “Right now?” As if he suddenly had heard me and before I had just been noise. “RIGHT NOW.” I was clear and unwavering. I had laid out their options. The other one said he’d already been arrested before. I replied that the cops would definitely believe me then. I stated their choices for them, clearly, and continued asking them to choose to promise not to throw rocks at my car anymore (sounds silly in retrospect, doesn’t it?).

After a lot of stalling, the one who’d done most of the catcalling promised. The one with his eyes covered turned his back on me, and kept looking down and away. The one who’d just promised told the other not to say anything. I looked the first who’d just promised in the eye and told him I was no longer asking anything of him, and to stay out of it. Now I was talking to his friend. I asked the second again, repeating his choices. Then I expressed my need to have him look me in the eye and promise not to throw rocks. “Can you do that?” I asked. “Look at me. LOOK at me”, I demanded, “Promise me you won’t throw any more rocks at cars.”

After what felt like a long pause, but I’m sure was really a second or so, he looked me in the eye and promised. Then I said, “Thank you. Thank you for that.” I looked at the other one, “Thank you too.” And then to the both of them, “Thank you for your promises.”

And then I turned on my heel and walked back to my car, got in, and went back to what I had been looking at. They sat down for a minute…I think they were a little confused. Then they moved farther off. Still in the parking lot, but now at the far end. After about 5 minutes, they catcalled again, now about my religious beliefs. I angled my head toward them, but didn’t look. A minute later, they left.

And I was thankful…and oddly calm.

This is not the first time I’ve been faced with an at-risk person who (from their perspective) has little to lose by beating me up or bashing in my head. Later, one of my best friends said, you know, if one of them had had a knife it could have all gone south.

I realized—the one who wouldn’t meet my eyes and who kept trying to turn his back on me—he probably did have a knife. I think it didn’t come out because I asked him to look me in the eye, and I looked him in the eye. It’s one thing to lash out at an unknown objectified person who doesn’t see you. It’s another to knife someone who’s looking you in the eye. That’s why I think I was safe.

For years now, I’ve been involved with a life skills program called COMPASS. While it is marketed primarily for at-risk people, I’ve believed that Compass is not only valuable for at-risk people needing to turn their lives around. I’ve felt like we all, all of us, need these skills to handle our lives and relationships with less carnage and more happiness. Compass gives us tools to recognize what it is we need, what motivates the people around us, and how to get what we want in a way that honors everyone involved..

I needed safety. I knew that if they thought they could scare me, or if I turned away or left, it would encourage these teenage boys to escalate. And the next time, their target might not be a self-confident well-abled person. They probably hadn’t counted on that (a few years ago, I certainly wouldn’t have been that)—and in order to get them to honor my need for safety, I knew I had to get a little respect from them, get them to recognize me as a real person, not as a ‘them’.

By skipping any blame or guilt and focusing on my need to be heard, respected, and safe, I avoided the exchanges that they were used to. By confronting them with my physical presence (small as it may be); arms at my side, facing them full front and center, making eye contact and starting with the thing that just happened and was not alright (insisting that it did occur, and not placing blame), I stepped out of what I’m guessing their normal confrontations with adults were like.

By refusing to play the game they were used to in which I, an authority figure, place blame and they, the rebels, make blatant denials of all involvement; by seeing them as individuals and addressing each of them separately, it became a person to person interaction. (I don’t think that this would work with more than two troublemakers.)

I owe that to COMPASS. The idea that I can stand up, express my needs when challenged by an unprovoked aggressive action, can recognize what’s going on for the aggressors and get them to see me as a real person (perhaps a scary crazy person, but still, a person) is a major shift for me. That I could get them to give me what I asked for was a real surprise—and a testament to the lessons of compassionate communication. The fact that I remembered amidst the adrenaline rush to look them in the eye and thank them for agreeing to be civil, that’s from Compass. And for that I am grateful. I am no longer a shy demurring white female. Now, I am a strong woman who can meet people as they come. And I am grateful for Compass.

-Jeanine Gilmaher

Teenage- Dream

According to Superintended Trevor Greene, there are a number of ways to describe 17 year-old Gabby Rodriguez, and her "fake it" social experiment. With the approval of both the superintendent and school principal, and the support of her mother, Gabby posed as an expecting mother for six straight months. She pretended to be pregnant to experience "what it would be like", and how she would be treated. The results were not at all pleasant. Like many pregnant teens, she dealt with the alienation that came with being young and pregnant; surfacing rumors, gossip and mal-judgments about both her identity and character.

But Gabby wanted to understand stereotypes and how they affect young women of her generation. It was pure research. After six months of carrying a fake belly, it was time to fill in the entire student body. At a school assembly, she confronted everything and everyone, revealing that "for months some students left her feeling alone and ashamed".

According to Gaby, everybody was shocked. Speechless-to say the least. They cried. They reflected.

I ,for one, cannot imagine how a 17 year old would come up with such a bold idea for an experiment. Not to mention the "cajones" she had to withstand 6 months of feeling alone and misjudged. Have you ever had the "cajones" to deal with something similar to Gabby? Or are you honest enough to admit that you were part of the lynching mob that alienated Gaby for her "indiscretion"? And what is it about teenage pregnancy that pushes people to point fingers instead of lending a hand?

When working with any at-risk populations, similar questions arise. Outside our 9-5 world, there are people with real problems who need real options and solutions. Without them, all they know is how to get by.

Restorative Justice

Lately Forward Step has begun working with those promoting Restorative Justice. In short, Restorative Justice is a program in which both the perpetrator(s) and the victim(s) of a crime can meet and reconcile within an agreement that mutually heals both sides. The idea nudges me to consider the views of the public on NFL player, Michael Vick, who committed a crime and recently finished serving his time in prison. For those of you who need a refresher of this individual’s previous notoriety, he is the former quarterback of the Atlantic Falcons, who was later convicted of felony charges because of his involvement with a dog- fighting operation. Since then, Mr. Vick has completed his sentence for his crime and reinstated in the NFL as a quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Now that Vick has moved on with his life, I have found differing views and opinions amongst my friends, acquaintances and in the media about how he should be treated. Friends of mine that own four dogs and champion animal rights expressed that they don’t care what sentence he served or reparations he has made (for example, he has set up a fund for care of the dogs injured in the fighting ring). They still think he is an awful human being and always will be, and do not see fit to forgive his actions or his person. However, I have found that the media and many of my other friends have forgiven Vick’s crime, and are even impressed by how he has handled himself post-prison. I myself am of this latter opinion.

Considering Vick’s actions since being released and how people have differing opinions on the issue, I needed to take a moment to meditate on how so many convicted criminals are brought back into society (Mind, I am not talking about capital crimes or crimes of violence). For one thing, if we believe that men and women who have served their time to society cannot become productive and useful citizens, we are concluding that indefinite punishment is the answer. The study of Restorative Justice, however, demonstrates how this stance creates not only social problems but also financial drains in our country.

Vick is an NFL star, and unlike him, many come back from prison without the support system he had that can get them on track to being a productive citizen. Therefore, the ones who do want to get back on track need help from programs like Forward Step’s COMPASS, as well as employment and medical services.

As I learn more about Restorative Justice and its implications and promises for society as a whole, I will make sure to update this blog!

- Holly White

Children’s Minds

What Schools Don’t Understand About Children’s Minds:

I have a graduate degree, I am well out of school, and I feel like I just grew up over the last few years. I’m not a PHD mind researcher or psychologist but talk about when our minds fully mature rings true for me. When I look back at things I’ve done in the past, I have tons of experiences that I can point to and exclaim, “What was I thinking?”

It is interesting to me whenever I read about the history of children and the development of the concept that they are not little adults but are in an entirely separate developmental state. Depending on the culture and region of the world toys were more or less prevalent. Also, depending on the region of the world, rights of passage where you become an adult vary in terms of the age when they are performed.

As a former Anthropology major in school, it always excited me to look at an accepted cultural norm and then say to myself, what if that is not true and we have it wrong. Well I don’t know if I have enough answers to say that we have anything wrong but I’m pretty sure that I can say there is so much we don’t know and are learning always that how could we possibly say we have anything 100% right.

The implications of this inquiry are profound and if I were a PHD and not a common administrative business professional, I’d love to research them. How we incentive, how we teach, how we punish, when we allow children to be prosecuted as adults, when we allow our citizens to join the army, to vote, how we treat each other, sexual consent laws, alcohol consumption, etc. etc. etc. What if we have it wrong or at least partially wrong . . . ?

I’d love it if we experimented with a few different life stages and ways of guiding our youth to act appropriate to their stage in life and understand the challenges that are confronting them. I’ll leave it up to the geniuses of our society to determine what that would be but what about infant, child, adolesant, teenager, big kid, bigger kid, almost adult, adult in training, etc. I don’t know what I’m saying . . . its Sunday, its kind of nice outside and I wanted to think about possibility and new ways of looking at the world. New ways of looking at each other . . .

These are a few cool blogs that I found on the subject:

http://mindhacks.com/

http://scienceblogs.com/neurophilosophy/

http://www.spring.org.uk/